when i think of justice i notice first that i am not getting what i deserve because you speak to me, listen to me, love me, cook for me, raise a daughter with me and generally behave as if i am not a murdering rapist and adulterous scumbag when what i deserve so many times over is death, and eddie says in my head over and over "mercy trumps judgement" and my grandfather slams his card down on the table and i smile because he loves me more than i know how to love him though he is only one and i am one of many so maybe love does multiply instead of divide but then i have to ask why i don't have more children and why, especially why, do i want to rid myself of the one, to my great shame, when my pride/anger is not directed at him but at his parents

when i pray, my faith tells me i will see what i hope for but i stop hoping because i believe if God wants it for me he will provide and if it's bad for me he won't and i should want what he wants and the things i want are almost always foolish anyway so i do not pray again and again and when i killed my passions five or six years ago that habit still affects me now and i am shamed by my emotions when they bubble up to the surface, or perhaps i am afraid they will consume me if i give them even temporary reign over my body, is it hope or faith that is removed by sight...faith, right?

i want to spend some time verbally sorting tonight, but i want you to sort too and i don't think i'm willing to sort yet if you are not, and yet i always talk and talk and talk

although i have spent my time in adulterous relationships with idols...i will continue to claim with an entirely straight face that i love you without end

faithfulness is when i realize there are two women in the world and begin to entirely ignore the second, investing instead all my time and energy and attention and affection and concern and myself in you and your happiness and sacrificing myself as often as necessary to try to assure you of your value...this also applies to my hobbies and my friends and my interests and my comfort and my privacy and my desires and everything else that is me, all becomes subservient to my Lord and to you

without the two of you there is no more me, either before or after

you are the breath when i've been gasping
and the cool breeze when i've been sweating
and the gently swaying hammock when i've been sleeping
and the spring shower when i've been parched
and the solid rock when i've been drowning

i have forsaken all other shelter
and foretold our dying words
and dreamed of blue skies and the wind in our hair
and i saw the horizon fade
in a red and orange sunset
through curls of gold

as if i was sane, or innocent
as if i was snow covered baby bottoms on white sheets
as if i was a lamb on a truck on a road to the abattoir
as if i operated on the same emotional and intellectual level as other people with real hearts and genuine concerns for their family and friends, possibly even their neighbors or their country, maybe, in rare cases, the world itself, both human and un-human
as if i knew how to cry
as if i actually wanted to see you come home safely with our child so i could witness your smile because you really love me and you really want to love me and you enjoy our reunions

i am tired of living with this heart of stone, alone, in the dark, searching for more but refusing to turn to the light where i know all the answers lie, i am tired of this stone tied around my neck, weighing me down and making my back ache, i am tired of endless days of resistance and stumbling every other step and seeing the prize snatched from my tenuous grasp each time i begin to close my fingers...

break me on the stone that is Christ, break me to my component atoms if necessary, just take this burden away and give me a real heart and i don't care if i cry all day every day just make me so i can feel genuine and unsullied emotion and know that it is real and good and true, so i can know you love me and so i can know i love you and my neighbor

filaments of silver gossamer askance
as if skin made of hair
shimmering iridescent limpid pools
and hidden quiescent sonance
all is calm, all is bright
round yon virgin, mother and child
blah blah dee blahdy stinkin' blah

i'm still going to flood their cities with flaming hot magma

some days are better than others
but too many distractions
and too much walking
are not good for the soul

feeding at the trough
is never the same
as dining
by moonlight

we can choose to live without beauty
without awareness
without sensibility
but when we look back
will we long for this day

i thought i should prefer to regret action
rather than inaction
but i have instead been content to sit

it wasn't bathing on your roof that attracted me to you
it was your arrogant call into the ether
and though i only fit half the bill
i was eager to measure myself
against your judgement

jack...7 slang : MONEY

all work and no play makes jack
all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack
all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack
all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack all work and no play makes jack
all work and no play makes jack

when tumbling after
ensure your crown is firmly fastened
so as not to break

while ascending the mountain
be quite sure
to stop
frequently
to enjoy the
view

when walking on the top of the mountain
it is best
if you don't
look
down

blind faith and stern countenance
the joy of ritual behind me
the expressions of freedom ahead

hold his hand hold his hand hold his hand
and follow where he leads

blonde ringlets, a spiraling copy
precocious, tiny, precious
zuzu zuba isabelle

glowing fiery dawn birth pangs
you shower hot fleeting white sparks
and expire on the hearth of my neglect

docile white blossom of youth
you pierce my heart with your bloom
a violent, overpowering acquiescence

bare backs on green grass
blue sky and clear air
the scent of love lingering

it's time i should be home but i
had some things to do and i
didn't consider where my heart truly lies

and i wanted to write to you but i
had some things to do and i
tried to consider where my heart truly lies

so i sat to write to you but i
had few things to say and i
briefly considered where my heart truly lies

along the winding way of life
i tread with feet of glass
hoping that my luck won't change
and praying for a chance
to tell you what i think about
the things you've said and done
and how your smile affects my mind
and how your gaze does stun
i fall and break upon your shore
i wither in your heat
i wilt and fall and lie and die
and still you taste too sweet
i can't refuse can't turn away
can't even blink my eyes
and if my death should come about
men still will think me wise
in agonizing time and space
a distance too far gone
i waited watched and loved you once
though you could not reply
and on through time oh endless time
enduring even fear
for when you notice me below
you will not need a tear
your wrath is fierce too swift to see
you'll pound me into dust
it doesn't hurt your touch is good
i cherish every thrust
and as i spread into the air
you'll turn and storm away
and as i smile the pain will fade
and this without dismay

and when i was a younger lad
my life ranged far afield
from lazy days and fire filled nights
to animals i'd killed
to water holes and fishing spots
from dawn to dusk each day
i jumped and swam and ran and played
and slept in barns of hay
and found my friends in gangs of four
or five or six or two
we altogether ransacked life
there's naught we didn't do
we'd hike and climb and shoot and eat
we'd stalk our deadly prey
we laughed and cried and terrified
all those who passed our way
until the end of summer came
in shoes we found our feet
and collars high and tight and stiff
away from wind and wheat
but autumn nights by candlelight
continued we our feasts
in cave or river, tree and sky
hunting the mighty beasts
and now we're grown and all alone
we've left that life behind
with wives and daughters, sons and cars
and all that it entails
but still remembered summer nights
call out to me some ways
and i recall boyhood adventure
and smile for olden days

 

(to be sung in the manner of a streetwise musical from the late sixties, complete with strangely sleek, man-made fabric clothing...)

i'm thankful for the clothes we wear
and for the ribbons in our hair
the dress we made to dance all night
and when the cops broke up our fight

i'm thankful for the lives we lead
when we remember rocks don't bleed
and when the leaves fall on the ground
we sing and dance go round and round...
(pause thoughtfully before continuing with a faster tempo)

i'm thankful for the time we share
and all the curls found in your hair
and all the things i can't recall
but truth be told my thanks is fal-
se
(lights down, deep bow, wait for applause...)

thankfulness for your smile and your curly hair
for your brains and for your wisdom
for your walking away and your walking toward
for your thoughtfulness and for your compassion
for your patience and for your affection

ten things from my perspective...

.other women are toads and hussies next to your beauty in and out
.no one on earth can awe me like you do
.even when i show disagreement by my action i agree with your judgement
.your loving is thorough and i appreciate that
.your wisdom from a life lived with Christ comforts me
.frequently when we're out in public together i think to myself, "wow, she's hot, i gotta get me some of that" and then the next morning, i wake up and there you are, inches away, and i think, "no WAY"
.your patience with me is astounding
.when we spend time with your family i begin to understand why you are perfect
.you make beautiful babies
.your lasagna is to die for

dee dee dee dum da
dee didum da da
dee dee dee dum da
dee didum da da

iyee wannawanna wanna ooooooo
dum didum dee dumm
iyee wannawanna wanna ooooooo
dum didum dee dumm

and then there was you and it all made sense...

if i get it in my head that you owe me
please remind me i don't deserve you
and if i decide you are wrong and i'm right
please remind me i don't deserve you
and if you think i've done something wrong and i think you're being female
please remind me i don't deserve you
and if i tell you i don't care what you think
please remind me i don't deserve you
and if you want to hit me in the face because i'm being so difficult
please remind me i don't deserve you just before you do that
or i might hit back
and i don't need to sink that far any more

when i think i have been too rough
i find you yielding as water

you are the shining surface, my dear
and however i wail against it
with my little fist of anger and pain
i cannot affect your perfection
for more than a moment

you are placid, embracing, warm, enduring

in a moment in my mind in that feeling in your hand
the security of it and the flowing of it and the synergy behind it and the power in it
from your shoulder to your elbow to your wrist down to your fingers
from my eyes to my mind through my heart and off my lips
you found me hiding in that hole and reached out
first tentatively
then confidently
and permanently
and though your grasp is feather light
and lovely as silk
it's as strong as if God made it

because he did

heavy with excess dripping falling falling splashing your heart spills over into my mind and floods the delicate neurons causing chaos confusion dissillusioned intonation and resonance for the wailing of our hearts bleeding as one until that moment when we recall the joy of God who nevers leaves us or forsakes us and always calls to us by name so we may follow faithfully in him abiding

like water, falling, your stare cascades upon me in torrents of rage, i wither, erode, and wash away in the cataract of emotion you exude, i crumble, and fall, a pile of sediment, sand, mud, unable to withstand your fury

like the potter you relent, mold me again, but this time, just this once, with a small handle on one side, for easier grasping

like molasses in early spring the words are there, praising your beauty and your attitude and your devotion to family, but they will not leave my tongue, they lie in a heap though i tip the bottle very far, and will not run from their place, and i am frustrated because they dam my emotions as well as my thoughts

i pray for a faster thaw...

barely a whisper, perhaps only breath, but it's there between us,alive, almost separate from us, translucent, blurred and vibrating, and all around us is the cloud, those who watch, encouraging, smiling, singing, holding us together along with the bond, and above us all like a canopy, sheltering, loving hands reaching down to enfold and protect

when it's time to go she always knows without me having to say anything, it's one of those little things i love about her, so thoughtful in unexpected ways, so many people only think of their own needs it seems...she thinks ahead, she plans, she considers, and she's almost always right about what we'll be doing later and the resulting harmony in our life together is amazing, calming, reassuring, comfortable, and so easy to take for granted, so i try to think ahead myself but my practice conversations never work out, my plans have always included a blunder in decisions, so i usually leave them unspoken and unwritten, but i keep practicing them because every once in awhile i do something right...and she smiles because she appreciates my effort and she knows how i struggle with it...she always understands, even when i've made horrible, painful mistakes, and she always forgives because she knows i fail from a lack of aptitude rather than a lack of desire, and she knows i am devoted to her to and to God and none other...she always smiles when i try to make her smile, i think that's because she loves me in my ignorance and my foolishness and because of my devotion and my effort, because i try to take nothing for granted and almost always notice her thoughtfulness...she treats me like a king though i should be a slave, and i try to treat her like a queen but the best i can do is usually something like head scullery maid, but she gives me credit for trying

filling in the spaces between our love with time and waiting
or
do those spaces fill themselves with the disappointments we've swallowed

when i promised forever to love you
did you believe i was big enough
to do as i said

and when you promised to respect
did that include all the times i would belittle you
or your mom
or your sister
and your friends
and your work
and your speech

or did we promise to God and he fills in the gaps and renews our hearts and our minds
through the truth that is the spirit he gave us through Jesus
so that each day the pains of yesterday's mistakes
are forgotten
and we embrace anew
in love
just the three of us

a small blue thing, she said
fancy poultry near the ironbound section, she said
days of open hand, she said

was it an eye or a marble
what makes one chicken fancier when the skins are off
and was it for slapping or to demonstrate no need of fear

unlike the minstrel or the mistress
she wanted to be neither
only herself

but i had designs on her voice
and sometimes her hair and the way it should frame her face
and she sang me to sleep with the song of sand

she just wanted to spew into the ether, i think
and maybe make a living
and i have no right to her time

but artistry is about fantasy, mostly
and i wanted to escape the prison i'd made of my life
and she started singing from the magic box...

when there is only blue sky there's still quite a ways to go till heaven

when God is your co-pilot, switch seats

when life gives you lemonade put some borrowed, refined, white sugar in it, it'll taste better

when wife gives you lemons, for goodness sakes, be careful not to squirt her in the eye when you're slicing them for the lemonade, and don't ask her if she wants a drink when it stops burning either

when you're happy and you know it share a smile, when you're happy and you know it share a smile, when you're happy and you know it make sure your grumpy, stupid, lazy no-good kids all know it too

when someone quotes the old french proverb nothing succeeds like success ask them if it is also true that nothing fails like failure

when john wayne said wake up, we're burnin' daylight he was just trying to say life is meant to be lived, dammit

when your dad says he's proud of you, he means it more than anything he's ever said before or will say again

when there's nothing more to be said, stop talking

when they stare you in the eye, stand your ground and don't flinch, they'll back down every time

shaken from the tree of life that's me
not stirred up from the bottom drifting
but falling twirling twisting
blown wherever the wind or chance
but not me
decides

reborn to fly
though floating falling gliding
not flying
drying to death
in green then brown then black
rotting
with former friends
who once followed the bright sun
to make food
and now to be food

it's the life of the leaf the leaf the leaf
the life of the leaf for me

or death, maybe

we skim across the surface
as a wax shine hides the imperfections
we rarely dip into the pits and gouges
the discolorations, the mistakes
because, although that's where real life resides,
we have been taught to look for something more
we bought a lie and we try to live it instead

ever watch doves chase away a hawk
or sparrows eat bugs in a busy traffic intersection at dusk
they weave and dodge like the millennium falcon inside the death star
and it looks chaotic, fifty birds at once, all after different insects
all after the same thing
and i never see them dead in the road
nor even injured
and i marvel

i do not have that kind of need
that kind of drive
that hunger
come and get it while the gettin' is good
but i stand on the sidelines
and the worst part is
it's my life, and i'm watching, instead of dancing
how often do jump into the fray and live my life
and how often do i take a soft rag and some endust to it

socrates and his unexamined life...

i suspect my answer to the homeless coffee poem is inappropriate

i stand aloof, shocked beyond feeling, afraid to move because these emotions see only movement, nothing has really happened until i acknowledge it with a breath or a sigh or a shaking body, but they'll come soon anyway, you can hide but you can't run because they travel faster than sound

he was saying something about how his wife would really like these flowers and how he was looking forward to their dinner out tonight, he was going about his life, trying to make her happy, trying to do something unexpected and pleasant because he loved her as much as he was able, but now she'll never see him again because he had to buy coffee from me and i wasn't myself today

it was heavier than i expected, like the blueblack metal was from another planet, jupiter or neptune, someplace big, nothing should pull against the earth so hard when it is so small, and it was cold as death...i smiled at that thought, cold as death indeed...the click it made cheated me, i'd have to hear the real explosion, impotent clicking just made it worse, click, click, clickclickclickclick, clicking wasn't at all right, they sound so much more masculine on television

the explosion was just that, i was totally deaf in my aloof and shocked unmoving self, someone was screaming but i couldn't tell what direction because the explosion was the loudest thing i had ever heard in my life, and i notice now that my hand is numb as well, like an hour of vibration all packed into that tenth of a second when his head caved in

the brain is very very fast, faster than the eye, my brain was already filling in the gaps in the information my eyes had sent, playing out this long, horrible, slow-motion movie of those two seconds, i look back now, five seconds later, and realize i had a smile on my face at the time, and his smile had disappeared, not slowly as i had imagined, but immediately, like water falling from the sky his smile fell from his face as he saw the black steel gaping maw rise to greet him, i see now as i didn't see at the time that his last thought had been of her, how disappointed she'd be that he hadn't called to say he wouldn't be home

wild entreaties of disdain and confusion, along with the normal dyslexic typing, a passive agressive demand to be left alone and plied with attention, or is that smothered instead, stop don't stop don't stop don'tstop, i don't know what you want me to want you to want, so now i feel good because there is no clarity to reveal the flaws and it's all about glossing over what's true so the mirror doesn't accuse

you'll be gone and then you'll be gone and all that will remain is the small and willful copy of you, another of God's gifts, to teach me about my relationship with him, so we'll shop for food and ride the barbie car that once made her shake and we'll ride and walk and fly and we'll probably cry and cry at some point if not many but it is all part of the plan, after all, and then you'll return, in memory and digitally if not in the flesh, and we'll rejoice at your homecoming though half of us should be well asleep by then and we'll try to spend the time in relationship instead of in escape...

while strolling...so many good things could follow this phrase...while strolling last night i discovered i really do love Jesus...while strolling together she told me of her lifelong dream to make love to me in a boat in venice...while strolling through the mall i found this really neat sale at lord & taylor's...while strolling with my children i related stories of my childhood while encouraging them to follow their own dreams ; dreams of pro football team ownership...while strolling my wife and i confirmed our fondness for warm, autumn afternoons together...

as i leap from the edge i suddenly understand buyer's remorse more intensely than i ever imagined but of course the reason for leaping in the first place was to understand intensity itself and if only for a few short but amazingly stretched moments to understand this travesty that has been my life by cutting short its future to something a bit more manageable and easy to grasp and oh so easy to measure with certainty because certainty is something that has always eluded me, or has it...the wind is not loud as i had imagined but instead the stretching takes each heartbeat and drowns the wind in the shallow end along with all my unheard dreams and unsung songs and unimagined victories and makes of them a single lub-dub of divorce, a leaving, or a taking...it should have been told from my own perspective but that will go with me when i meet the earth below so the imagining is once again all i shall convey here, from beyond, as it were, though beforehand, the leaping and the falling and the silent rush of wind with cheeks puffing out like a kid on the motorcycle with no care for the past or the future and here i have very little future left to contemplate anyway so this final act of selfish hedonism is mine alone..."fine so far" the joke goes, but the landing is self-murder...it doesn't hurt when you meet mother earth...but the separation from God is eternal, had i heard that somewhere along the line?

with wild and stringy hair
like weeds behind the fence
in water as deep as the moon
i found the meaning of love
with brass and moaning
with clanging cymbals in my ears
and softly whispered lies for the future
and a rush of blood to the soles of my feet
i found heartbreak
and meaning
in desire unfulfilled
and with eyes aflame
and vengeance unknown
i found rage in my machine
but the bushings gave way
from the furious turning
so impotent
bleached
lying empty of everything but my memories
of the meaning
of love
i lay at the water's edge
crying