i want to try to ensure i include you in my life, that i find you including me in your life, that our life is our life and not really yours or mine anyway, and that we share goals, loves, interests, taste in tv and music and movies and internet content to a greater and greater degree as we grow together and grow old together

i want to know that you can share your insecurities when they are real and that i can understand when to fix and when to just listen because you are working it out by talking, though you almost never do that while i tend to several times a year, and i want to know that you trust God to take care of us, to gives us trials and blessings that lead us closer to him, to love him, to love each other, and to glorify his name before man and angels

i want to know if you have considerations i have not even thought of but should make, if you have desires unfulfilled and if you have needs we could address, because while i am mostly an open book you keep yourself bottled

i appreciate your sensibility but i also would like to think i am helping you shoulder your burdens, though perhaps it is more trouble to talk with me about it than to keep it to yourself, and i am not a secretive man so you'd have to classify those things i should never mention to anyone even if it seems perfectly clear to you, i have two secrets i've decided to keep to my grave and they are a heavy burden at times when i remember them, though both have lost significance due to time and spacial separation, i am the wrong person to share secrets with and always have been, i hope because i decided long ago they were more trouble than they're worth and only perpetuate problems and never solve problems (though i wonder if that's true on a national scale) unless you are a script writer in which case they are indispensable

i want to help you figure out what to do and i want to make sure our life is lived as wisely as possible for us, and i want to safeguard our faith in Jesus...i don't care so much about dying except as it relates to accomplishing God's will for us, i definitely believe death is gain and some things are more important than living, and i believe God works everything for our good, even our stupidest mistakes

so share your thoughts with me, tell me your hopes and your dreams and what's important and what isn't and how you think we should make our way there so i can tell you why your ideas are stupid and so typically female that i can't believe we sleep in the same bed at night

whenever i think i have it all figured out he brings someone else to the party i thought i'd never see here...you think you know a guy and he turns out to be way more generous than you ever thought of being and way more forgiving, way more loving, and then i think back on my life and realize my own problems were just as bad in different ways from his perspective

paul said he was the chiefest of sinners but he wrote so elegantly i never thought it could have been more than hyperbole until he was over last weekend and showed me some of the scars he used to have...one of those guys who would have burned himself with cigarettes in a bar to win twenty bucks and prove he was a badass and to show you how committed he was...pharisees have a life outside the temple, it turns out

he told me once how hard it was to accept Jesus' teaching those fourteen years in the desert, making tents and talking and listening and wrestling, working out the prophets and changing the meaning of everything he'd ever been taught about the scriptures, how God wanted so much to just let it all go but needed to keep us going long enough to save some of us, how painful it was for him to watch us suffer through our sin and our blindness

he told me Jesus once slapped him so hard he thought he was going to cry, talking about Hosea and Gomer, teaching him about the divorce and how it affected God's relationship with israel, and paul didn't like it, didn't like the full meaning, wanted God to recant, after a fashion, and tell him it was an empty threat...paul loved his people and he really loved God but his whole framework of understanding had been based on selfishness, like mine, and he was tired of fighting against his old teachers and wanted to take some shortcuts...Jesus slapped him to make a point paul kept rejecting and it worked, and paul told me Jesus' compassion afterward convinced him how hard that had been for the Lord

we were drinking wine and talking about our trip to galilee to see the hill from the original sermon on the mount and Jesus had had a bunch of angels act like the people who had been there so we could see it exactly as it had been and i have to admit, i cried like a baby...when he speaks he speaks softly, almost whispering in your ear, and you can hear it all across the hillside, intimate and personal, like he's talking just to you, and i understood exactly what he meant this time around and how he had looked forward to this from the time he was eight, and forever before that, of course, because that's when he would begin that walk to the cross and all the really hard work, the "rolling up the sleeves" work the greek word tries to convey about salvation, would be started...i felt like i was breathing that same air from so long ago, another world, another life, when he first had his mortal body...

as we spoke of the trip i recalled a plant, a small green lichen on some of the rocks, and he said he knew i would see that even though i never paid any attention to plants, he had put some in a spot where we would be resting so i would recall some of my hiking in the mountians of colorado when i was a rebel, to remind me how he was calling out to me even then, to remind me how he loved me all my life and watched me make all those painful rebellious decisions and loved me anyway, how he waited patiently for me to turn and acknowledge him so he could bless me in earnest, he said he always liked that particular lichen because it would one day remind me and him of his love for me and my eventual love for him...

Jesus is really sentimental, and not just sometimes, he remembers everything and he's so thoughtful, he never mentions anything unless it edifies, builds up, he always covers over mistakes, he always wants to forgive, he loves to forgive, i discover in our luncheon, i never understood before

we were walking to see you when jemma asked if we could go climbing again tomorrow and isabelle said she'd rather go swimming because she met a really neat orca the other day who had a new calf that was learning to leap out of the water and i didn't know which i preferred

jemma likes the looking down from up high, especially if the cliff surface is straight down, but i tend to pee in my pants with vertigo when i try to do that and i think part of the attraction for her is the look on my face when that happens and she laughs until she cries and then i get to laughing and we end up floating in the air for a few minutes because we can't hang on anymore...but isabelle always prefers swimming, i think she's made friends with about three thousand turtles and sharks and tuna...i don't see what she sees in the tuna, i remember that metallic taste when we used to eat them and i always think of that when i see their scales shining in the sun but i don't think she cares about that so much as i

the orcas always play too rough, i think, but isabelle loves to get thrown, as you well know, and the whales throw best, according to her

when Jesus is with her, playing in the surf, i think he likes to get a couple of orcas together and have them swim just below the surface so there's a nice pressure wave and then he just surfs that wave barefoot, it looks a lot cooler than it sounds because he goes back and forth and around like the jet skis used to do regardless of the direction of the waves, and of course his hair is flying out behind him and he's wearing that un-self-conscious smile he has, almost like the one he has when he's holding a newborn, and isabelle rides on his shoulders, arms out doing her little cheerleader routine and singing at the top of her lungs

i told jemma i didn't think i would want to go climbing again so soon and she said she'd ask the new family across the street because she thought the boy was cute and i said i thought that would be good and though i didn't tell her i knew the boy would agree because i spoke with him yesterday and he seemed to think he and jemma were going to be good friends soon and i thought so too because he hums to himself under his breath just like she does

i like walking with the girls when the stars are out in the afternoon because they always point out the ones they've been to on holiday with their friends and the stories they tell about the plants and animals is always so descriptive and it always reminds me how creative Jesus is, one planet was not enough, he had to make unique ecosystems all over the place, they've told me about at least fifty so far and all those in one corner of the sky

our girls are so funny together...jemma is so much smaller and so delicate but her mind is so sharp and isabelle is more about pragmatism and endurance, stubborn we used to call it, and they compliment each other so nicely when they are planning something, they never disagree, they finish each other's thoughts when they get excited and their eyes sparkle just like yours when you're feeling witty and i love that in them

Jesus is throwing a party and you're invited, and the girls have something special cooked up, i can tell, even though they haven't said anything, so we're coming to get you and show you the dress Jesus picked out for you...i think you'll like it, i know i do

i was flying along and singing because the wind was just chilly enough that i noticed the bumps on my arms and the sky was bright and sharp like those early winter mornings before the air thaws and the crystals are still hanging in the air reflecting random sunlight...i needed to go faster to make my appointment but i wanted also to spend this time with God and this small part of his creation, adoring and admiring and listening for him to say "did you notice this little bit over here..." and laughing with my hair streaming like those models underwater while Jesus was reminding me how he loved me and holding my hand and supporting me in each moment and singing along with me (his voice is a very rich baritone when he sings and he says though he didn't always like everything frank sang he thought that particular version of 'my way' was the best ever recorded on earth -- and let's face it, when Jesus sings 'my way' you have to see the humor in it)

where was i

flying along, thinking about how nice it felt just being there with the three of them, enjoying the sun and the wind and the amazing view along the coastline, i asked Jesus why he made the cliffs like that and how he got the four or five different shades of brown there and he explained it all so simply and so beautifully and i knew there was no way i could relay it to anyone else and i knew he didn't care if anyone else ever saw it and though he didn't say so he might have made it just for that moment between the four of us and i almost cried because when he says i love you you know it's true and you can see the holes in his side and hands and feet and he's so freaking cool...he's grown his hair out since the cross a little, he told me, and he said he likes the way it looks though maybe a bit more waviness would be good because it's getting so thick and i just laugh and laugh and i wonder if he'll have you combing it again like last time we picnicked with him and he smiles that knowing way, teasing me, like when you share a joke with him that i don't get and the two of you are laughing silently at me but i never get mad because i always feel so secure in his love for me

i asked him how NJ was coming and he said the walls were almost finished painting and there were still a few streets that needed pouring and he said the Holy Spirit hadn't really decided which pattern of brick would work best in that neighborhood because there were so many families and they all wanted to enjoy the preferences of their friends over their own and he was thinking of a type of mosaic and i laughed and asked how Zipporah was doing

you were waiting with your feet in the water and the girls climbing an olive tree that looked a thousand years old...i love it when we picnic in the afternoon

it takes time to die alone
each moment stabbing sharp
but lonely eyes don't mind so long
when the dark outside agrees
my mood is more green
than blue
but black always suits
and wild whining engines
never quench anger for long
though squealing girls or tires
and gasping intakes of chrome or flesh
interrupt
i know these games are deadly
but it's the only game i ever bothered to learn
and at morning there'll be scratches
but i'll touch them up again
and azure means sleep
for a moment
perchance to dream
of a green eyed girl who cares
for the contents
not the shell

wild horses would rip my love to shreds
but your sweet hands are soft enough
the stars are too high to touch my love
but not your face tonight
the deepest ocean drowns mere mortals
and our love is fragile as broken pottery
but your archaeological eyes see the cross section of my desire
the pharoahs built home made mountains
and carved out cities out of the stone
i'd buy you a drink from a fountain
and i'd take you to dinner on the foam
because your love, my love, is worth the risk
and your hands know the way
and your feet kick so softly
and i can't take no more pain

at the border of my love for you
there is a shack, a house, a hovel
i rode in on a horse of shame
and watered him there
it was cold and dark
and i tied him to the post
and rooted around for some grub
but what i found instead
was a candle

you left it for me, that much was plain
lit, alone, waiting
and i knew it was a sign from you
though i knew not your face
or your form
and i slept

waking, i feared
the flame alone, wavering
possibly to sputter
as before
so many times before
i should build it high and wide
and i should set it to music
with gasoline
strong enough to change the weather

i searched for the can
you knew of my folly
a note was what i found
"not yet" was all it said
in my rage
in my fury
in my fiery swearing and stomping
the truth of your words crept up
and hit me over the head
hard
twice

i began walking
after letting the horse go free
to search out his own desires
as soon as i left the shack i saw the city
high on a hill
shining
through a veil it seemed
but more clear with each step
until it became the fire
high and wide
showing me the way
unerringly, steady, faithful

i walked

when God is angry
hide from him beneath the mountain
and forget all you've done
to deserve what you get

when God temporarily withdraws his generosity
be sure to remind him
your glory is more important
than his has ever been

when God sustains your life
giving you more time to decide
remember to play
before you sit down to think

and when your neighbor
a liar and a thief known to all
tells you God cheats
agree conspiratorially

and when God gives you a gift of children
ensure your own playtime comes first
and complain about the inconveniences
and burdens they impose

and when judgement finally comes
remind God of all you did for him
though you could've been selfish
and act surprised when he is unimpressed

and when you are wailing
and gnashing your teeth
remember you have no excuse
every artist signs his work

never one so finely wrought
was seen in all the world
as my sweet, burning rosalynd
who parried my thrusting sword
and crushed my dreams to powder
wrenching my heart from my breast
but wait
the sun breaks anew at yonder window
the east awakes and my soul returns
for this bright orb has relit my wick
i follow on, hard and breathless
my shadow is long behind me
so tall i now stand alight
she smiles, i weep, lilies bloom
see how through cloud she wanders
i despair, lost in darkness
the blade rises through the discord in my ears
sharply it dives, she wakes
i stand again in light, wilting i weep
dear, loving star of morning joy
i was a fool

i thought i knew what i was doing but i was wrong
i thought i knew what i needed but i was so wrong
i thought you knew i was lying but i was wrong
i thought i knew you'd be crying but i was wrong

when i think of the times we spent together
laughing, holding hands, together
when i think of the times i kissed you
i walk away

your amusement was something i cherished
in the moonlight
your caresses something dear, indeed, to me
when i see your eyes reflecting
the moonlight
i know your heart is something dear, indeed

i thought i knew what i was doing but you were wrong
i thought i knew what i needed but you were so wrong
i thought i knew you were lying but i was wrong
i thought i knew who'd be crying but i was wrong

when i think of all the time we've spent together
crying, holding hands, so lonely
when i think of that time you kissed me
i walk away

and as you wandered by, i knew
do do doodoo dute do
you would always be so true
oo ah la la la
but i can't remember why
i lie i ee i i
when my mind has gone goodbye
bye byebye i ei

you were always there for me
when i knew you had to see
all the things i did untrue
though it's always me and you

we were never meant to be
you were always there for me
though i always was untrue
it was never me for you
when you said i said goodbye
when you said you thought you'd die
i was always there for me
you were always there for me

when i watch you walk away
a layaway hay
when i see the tears you cry
i lie i ee i i
when i see you fall on down
when i see you hit the ground
i knew i just was too untrue
it was never me for you

you were always there for me
when i knew you had to see
all the things i did untrue
though it's always me and you

we were never meant to be
you were always there for me
though i always was untrue
it was never me for you
when you said i said goodbye
when you said you thought you'd die
i was always there for me
you were always there for me

and as you walked away
i knew
i loved you

and while you walked away
i knew
i cared for you

you walked away
because
i died to you

you walked away
because
i lied to you

you walked away
although
i loved you

you walked away
although
i cared for you

and now i knew
i had
to give you more

so now i knew
i had
to show you more

and now i know
that i
will never love again

that i
can never give again

that i
have never ever been

the man you loved

and as you walked away
i knew
i'd lost you
and i'd lost me too

cascades and parades and frenchie tirades are what i'm all about baby
and when you hit me i want to drive all night with a cheeseburger
but when you cry i feel the moon crackle and pop
like someone has a knife in the outlet and they're not afraid to use it

and when we kiss i feel this jet aint never comin down
and the beach is too far but the palm tree's right outside
and all we'd have to do is laugh
and water would fall like love from the sky

but your hair is curling and my smile is fading
and your shoes keep wearing out on the bottoms
for all the talking we do you'd think we were politicians
with something to hide and women stashed in hotels down on the border

but i need you and i want you and i'll hold you all night
when you need me to i'll say it and we'll both embrace
the move we've been avoiding and talking of movies instead
and then we'll drive all night with the cheeseburger

gonna find me a door and walk through it
gonna find me a whore and we'll do it
gonna find me a pole and go fishin'
gonna find me a well and go wishin'

wishin' i was with you
fishin' life till it's new
will ya do it to me please do
gonna find me with you

but life is a lark and outside it's all dark
and the wind in the trees
reminds the birds and the bees
that you always know how
when you think of the way
and you always know how
you know how
you know how

to

love me because
you are kind and you're sweet
and you're gentle and neat
and my song might repeat

but i'm loving because you walk loving because you talk loving because you are you

but i'm lost now behind
all the fear i don't mind
all the time i have lost
and the life that it cost

but you're loving because you walk loving because you talk loving because you are you

gonna find a lost girl
gonna show her how to love
gonna climb that mountain
and shout out her name

left her behind
standing at the station
left her behind
waving at tears in the rain
left her standing with my suitcase girl

went out walking one day
to see where the gray sky
meets up with the sea
went out walking one day
to find me a lost girl
found her hiding in the waves

left her behind again
standing and staring
left her behind then
sharing the waves with the rain
left her standing with the surf girl

went out crying today
to see why my heart is gray
and found me a lost girl
found her hiding in the rain

she left me behind
left me standing staring
she left me behind
waving at tears in the rain
she left me standing with my suitcase girl

i am always surprised how little, how small, how minute, how seemingly insignificant a smile or touch or word can be and how powerful the impact can be

so God gave you to me

because he loves to surprise with joy

there was nothing and that nothing was nothing at all but now there's you
and when you said you loved me too we cried
scary and new and filled with potential there seemed a lot to lose in losing you
but you tasted like a light whitish blue like the sky and i knew you would always be beautiful
and though i was afraid i would pollute and dilute
i found love is a purifier and a giver when it is a gift of God
and not something i dragged to the party kicking and screaming
but i also found love was filled with your forgiveness and your patience and your guiding
and i knew God had sent you to help him bring me home
where we would stay

sometimes when i try to write something comes along to crash my machine, usually i'm trying to do five things at once here in the office and then add some writing for you on top, then i wonder why i've lost what i wrote

i wrote a punk song for you, about your love and how it affects me, it's lost, and i'm one of those people who doesn't remember what they've said or written

i'm sorry i have so many failings, and i'm sorry you have to compensate for my failings so often, perhaps if i was more competent you're life would be easier, perhaps i am the trial James was telling you about

i love you, i always love you, you are God's gift of grace in motion to me, and he is generous indeed

whenever i think i am wise and then
whenever i think you are blue it's true
whenever we can be so free not three
whenever they can say no way i'll play
a tune for you and me we three can be
another fam-ily of three we'll see
a joy so nice it's twice as cool as blue
because they said we could and so we did
and when they lie we find we sleep and then
whenever you see me you smile and i
begin to see why you are true to me
and then i cry that's why you'll ne-ver see
me smiling through the tears i'm filled with shame
because i'm a liar
because you are true

when i was three they said of me "he'll never learn to talk"
when i was five and still alive they taught me how to walk
when i was six and played with sticks they took me off to mass
when i was nine i got behind and they spanked me on the ...
backside of life and all was quiet and everything was fine
but all they said and all they did told me nothing i had was mine
and i walked away each day after day but they always brought me back
until later at night when i hid with delight and i slept in an old blue sack
'neath the stairs on the left where they stomped with such heft and the nails in the boards there did creak
but i stayed quite well hid and much later what i did left me feeling a tiny bit weak
so i made them all pay for the things they would say and the way they was treating me bad
but too far did i go when the fire all aglow brought the house to the ground, twas too sad
so i ran far away, on the sea did i stay sailing ships to and fro round the globe
but i'm thin and i'm gray at the end of the day and my season is over, i'm old

when priorities are misaligned my skeleton and my mind and my heart all follow suit

reneging is not allowed

mostly i manage to keep enough of you in the forefront (or you are so generous) you don't notice so much, and you are generally very easy to please anyway, but i feel and see the difference

we need, i think, a pleasant day-trip together...anything in particular that you wouldn't find mind-numbing

the feeling changes, sometimes as molasses and sometimes as dragonflies, but it changes, like a sickness, invading and attempting to overwhelm my defenses, surging and retreating, gathering power before spilling itself over the ramparts of resistance before regrouping

there's a thin line, between pleasure and pain, among other things

there are many memories of the love we share, here in my head or in my heart, and talking about some of them yesterday...you remind me to remind myself why i love you, or how i love you, to be sure i demonstrate my love for you...i remember the way my jaw tasted like iron when i though about you before we met, how i would salivate at the thoughts you had written at me...i recall the fresh feel i had in my heart when we sat around your apartment on 10th just looking at each other...and i remember how the governor called with my pardon, and i hadn't even known i was under sentence, until you told me while sitting on your green striped couch, and all the times i remembered that pardon and changed my heart to be worthy of it...i remember consciously deciding to accept the blessings of God because i couldn't produce them for myself, and that was no big deal, but realizing i couldn't produce them for you either and needed him to do it on my behalf