we used to speak in hushed tones and vague generalities, skirting around what we wanted from each other, hoping not to offend

there were some good things about that time in our lives, but i prefer now

i'm sorry i've treated you poorly so often, that i've thought it necessary so often when you don't deserve it and i know that even as i'm yelling, i take your grace as license and regret it later

i sometimes believe i do well most of the time, being considerate or affectionate, reminding you (and me) that you are the most important thing in my life besides God, maybe you see that sometimes

i hope

in silent wrath gleaming blinding sharp i sit and smolder, unjustified of course, blinded to the breadth of grace or love focused only on that razor's line splitting my mind catapulting me from your warm embrace, it is right that i am angry, i am angry enough to die

unilateral separation is possible, but almost never necessary, i isolate myself too soon and too often

night by night i feel your skin against my fingers, your warmth on my lips, the scent of your hair or your neck filling me with memories of our first months together, thinking there are details i've missed, and also missed opportunities when i selfishly passed up serving you as you so often serve me, but i remember that love and grace cover over my multitude of sins and i rest in the comfort that is your love and just enjoy the smooth delight of being next to you in the dark

if there was pain we'd bury it in silence and resentment, and if there were lies we'd ignore them until our stomachs bled, and if the clothes get old we'll replace them, and when the cats die we might lament them, if your eyes lose their color i'll still stare at them, if your breathing changes rhythm i'll still hold you, if your blood refuses to flow i'll warm your feet in bed, and if my eyes cloud over i'll describe for you my memories of your beauty in the early days, and if our children leave home i'll sit on the porch and feel lost with you, and when i fail i'll look to you to forgive me once again, and when Jesus comes to collect us i'll thank him for all the love he showed me through you

standing staring did i just say that out loud your face twisted in disbelief or maybe relief that finally our apathy is in the middle of the room instead of lurking in the shadows fearing our footfalls as we dance around each other side by side but not together any more but out in the middle it shrinks to nothing fades away like fog a vapor that is and then is not and no transition to jar the memory a ghost just like our affection and our words the weather work your petty peeves and my inconsistencies we are grown into strangers before our very eyes but oh so slowly and so deadly like gas that seeps in through the door we left ajar when we stopped praying together before loving in the dark under the comforter that no longer does

razor's edge i think but it's not it's a ledge the size of the highway and we built it brick by brick poured out the concrete and smoothed it carefully because we thought it might bear up under the weight of the things we never say and never liked to say when we did say, we thought our wordlessness was intimacy, growing together through togetherness uncomplicated by the clutter of words and cemented with small strokes along the skin in the middle of your back, still smooth and warm but no longer so close desirable or available

we walk away it's not worth fighting we tell ourselves even though it's probably the only thing in the world worth fighting over and i feel myself sliding bleeding severed in twain by the thing we did not say

no home i find except your arms

you must stay and i must go

late i return but you moved on

no single minded devotion for you

while i a slave my death in life to our lie

i plead anyway and you reply

i gave all when you died

another claimed the remains

so i rage at moon and sun

you repent and turn again

but die in agony of betrayal

they gather in grief

i howl my rage in their faces

torn from me twice now

they pay my price and more

for fate and ill will and vengeance

i turn my gory face to heaven

and repent for nothing

no love no grace no place

i fall

a little bit of stress and here i am yelling at someone, it always seems i wasn't paying attention when i was reading my Bible back in the day

i think i am becoming aware of the problem, i am trying to pray about it, but you'll suffer for awhile anyway (as if you hadn't already) while Jesus works on me, i'm sorry