night by night i feel your skin against my fingers, your warmth on my lips, the scent of your hair or your neck filling me with memories of our first months together, thinking there are details i've missed, and also missed opportunities when i selfishly passed up serving you as you so often serve me, but i remember that love and grace cover over my multitude of sins and i rest in the comfort that is your love and just enjoy the smooth delight of being next to you in the dark

if there was pain we'd bury it in silence and resentment, and if there were lies we'd ignore them until our stomachs bled, and if the clothes get old we'll replace them, and when the cats die we might lament them, if your eyes lose their color i'll still stare at them, if your breathing changes rhythm i'll still hold you, if your blood refuses to flow i'll warm your feet in bed, and if my eyes cloud over i'll describe for you my memories of your beauty in the early days, and if our children leave home i'll sit on the porch and feel lost with you, and when i fail i'll look to you to forgive me once again, and when Jesus comes to collect us i'll thank him for all the love he showed me through you

standing staring did i just say that out loud your face twisted in disbelief or maybe relief that finally our apathy is in the middle of the room instead of lurking in the shadows fearing our footfalls as we dance around each other side by side but not together any more but out in the middle it shrinks to nothing fades away like fog a vapor that is and then is not and no transition to jar the memory a ghost just like our affection and our words the weather work your petty peeves and my inconsistencies we are grown into strangers before our very eyes but oh so slowly and so deadly like gas that seeps in through the door we left ajar when we stopped praying together before loving in the dark under the comforter that no longer does

razor's edge i think but it's not it's a ledge the size of the highway and we built it brick by brick poured out the concrete and smoothed it carefully because we thought it might bear up under the weight of the things we never say and never liked to say when we did say, we thought our wordlessness was intimacy, growing together through togetherness uncomplicated by the clutter of words and cemented with small strokes along the skin in the middle of your back, still smooth and warm but no longer so close desirable or available

we walk away it's not worth fighting we tell ourselves even though it's probably the only thing in the world worth fighting over and i feel myself sliding bleeding severed in twain by the thing we did not say

no home i find except your arms

you must stay and i must go

late i return but you moved on

no single minded devotion for you

while i a slave my death in life to our lie

i plead anyway and you reply

i gave all when you died

another claimed the remains

so i rage at moon and sun

you repent and turn again

but die in agony of betrayal

they gather in grief

i howl my rage in their faces

torn from me twice now

they pay my price and more

for fate and ill will and vengeance

i turn my gory face to heaven

and repent for nothing

no love no grace no place

i fall

a little bit of stress and here i am yelling at someone, it always seems i wasn't paying attention when i was reading my Bible back in the day

i think i am becoming aware of the problem, i am trying to pray about it, but you'll suffer for awhile anyway (as if you hadn't already) while Jesus works on me, i'm sorry

walking alone through empty streets

soaking up darkness to kill what's inside

bleeding passion

leaving a trail for no one to follow

in rhythms too complex

no jungle echoes my footfalls

no message sent

or received across the miles

i think of nothing but toes

placing five before the others

again and again

noticing no chinese aroma

no kosher deli delights

staring blandly and blindly ahead

there is only me tonight

as passion bleeds onto the walk

and the lights blink behind

talking with noah about salvation was nice this saturday, we had a really good day together, he wants to vid chat on wednesdays and saturdays, he says

jemma and i will take the truck to the farm and do some unpacking i guess, we could do some food shopping if you want us to, or you can do it if you prefer, send me a list if you want us to do it after we pick up isabelle or something

lots goes through my head while driving, nothing much when i'm here in front of the screen, though i suspect that's from lack of habit more than anything, my old solution to that was to write drivel until something came, endless stream of garbage and let you sort out the useful bits

i have never remembered what i've said or written, and i'm always shocked by folks who recall their last letter to me

phone calls with clients i can remember, i believe this says something about my mind, but is it worth considering what it may say, or should i be raking the yard until it's free of debris instead

jemma was not happy today about being left behind and went straight back to bed, the coughing and stuffy head didn't help her mood, i'm sure

since i have nothing to do until after lunch i figured i'd come here and try to remember to write to you once in awhile, but i suspect my thoughts are not as focused as they once had been

guild wars takes a lot of the emotional energy that i cannot focus on you physically and focuses it on time wasting measures, i'm pouring my life down the drain most of the time that i'm playing, and i know i don't understand the difference between needed play and wasting time and energy play, there should be some time apart, especially for us, and there should be some time playing, maybe alone, maybe with the kids, and of course there should be time working and praying and speaking with God, but i think i take all my extra energy and put it into the game that will go away in a few months

once we are both working, we will have so little time together, so much energy will be focused again on working, will we appreciate the time with jemma and isabelle, will we take time for your folks, will we visit karin and lianne and noah and my folks or just sit around here and talk about how busy and how tired we are

it was my plan to learn the history here, to go see things, to be involved in town and in church, to get to know folks, to learn names, to stop and talk on the street, to wave and say hi on the sidewalk and in the store, to know the names of the waitresses and the librarians and the checkout clerks, to smile when i saw your face