as if i was sane, or innocent
as if i was snow covered baby bottoms on white sheets
as if i was a lamb on a truck on a road to the abattoir
as if i operated on the same emotional and intellectual level as other people with real hearts and genuine concerns for their family and friends, possibly even their neighbors or their country, maybe, in rare cases, the world itself, both human and un-human
as if i knew how to cry
as if i actually wanted to see you come home safely with our child so i could witness your smile because you really love me and you really want to love me and you enjoy our reunions

i am tired of living with this heart of stone, alone, in the dark, searching for more but refusing to turn to the light where i know all the answers lie, i am tired of this stone tied around my neck, weighing me down and making my back ache, i am tired of endless days of resistance and stumbling every other step and seeing the prize snatched from my tenuous grasp each time i begin to close my fingers...

break me on the stone that is Christ, break me to my component atoms if necessary, just take this burden away and give me a real heart and i don't care if i cry all day every day just make me so i can feel genuine and unsullied emotion and know that it is real and good and true, so i can know you love me and so i can know i love you and my neighbor