when i think of justice i notice first that i am not getting what i deserve because you speak to me, listen to me, love me, cook for me, raise a daughter with me and generally behave as if i am not a murdering rapist and adulterous scumbag when what i deserve so many times over is death, and eddie says in my head over and over "mercy trumps judgement" and my grandfather slams his card down on the table and i smile because he loves me more than i know how to love him though he is only one and i am one of many so maybe love does multiply instead of divide but then i have to ask why i don't have more children and why, especially why, do i want to rid myself of the one, to my great shame, when my pride/anger is not directed at him but at his parents

when i pray, my faith tells me i will see what i hope for but i stop hoping because i believe if God wants it for me he will provide and if it's bad for me he won't and i should want what he wants and the things i want are almost always foolish anyway so i do not pray again and again and when i killed my passions five or six years ago that habit still affects me now and i am shamed by my emotions when they bubble up to the surface, or perhaps i am afraid they will consume me if i give them even temporary reign over my body, is it hope or faith that is removed by sight...faith, right?

i want to spend some time verbally sorting tonight, but i want you to sort too and i don't think i'm willing to sort yet if you are not, and yet i always talk and talk and talk